


Holes in the Floor of Heaven

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: F/M, Gen, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-06
Updated: 1999-05-06
Packaged: 2018-11-10 13:21:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11127777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: RayK writes a letter to a person he loved and never told and now, never can.





	Holes in the Floor of Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

 

        Don't Run! It's only  
3pages! Don't know where this is going, or why it's going there, but  
I am a believer in fate, and I'm bored as hell. At this point, I have  
no idea what the plot is. I'll take a walk with Cody, and see where it  
leads me. I swear to God, that dog is my muse [POST WALKING DOG] Oh,  
and you're probably thinking "What the *hell* does 'holes in the  
floor of heaven' mean?" It's from a Steve Wariner song. Now, I don't  
listen to country, try Brit Pop and the like, but ClipTrip came on MuchMusic,  
and I changed the channel, and came upon the song.One more thing. I don't  
know who wrote that song, but I didn't and neither did you. More notes  
after the story. But *don't* look at them until you're done, or the surprise  
will be wrecked. TYK.  
 **Holes In The Floor Of Heaven** � Ashley Sametz, 1998  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
        Ray Kowalski rubbed his  
sore eyes. He paced aimlessly around his apartment, and finally collapsed  
onto his bed. The only light was coming from his stove light, dimly illuminating  
the apartment. He had been too distraught to do much after the funeral.  
He didn't cry, there didn't seem any point, but there was no mistaking  
his sadness. He wasn't speaking much, and he overheard his unofficial  
partner mention to Lt. Welsh that he had never seen him sit still so  
long.  
        He looked  
at his watch. It was 1:32 a.m. His body was tired, he had been running  
purely on adrenaline the past few days, and he knew he was going to crash.  
  
         _Maybe I should call  
Benny_... _nah_.. _he'd probably tell me about some Inuit burial  
ritual anyway_.... _forget it_.  
  
        Ray rolled over onto  
his stomach, and buried his head in his arms.  
  
        ... _I should have told  
her_... _why do I always do that? Not say anything because I'm afraid  
of looking stupid_... _not that it hasn't happened before, but_...  
  
        His body told him that  
he needed rest, but his mind was operating on a totally different plane  
than his body. He knew he couldn't get to sleep, despite how tired he  
was. Oh sure. He could get into bed, and shut his eyes, but what good  
would that do? If he fell asleep, he would dream, and go through the  
process of loosing her again.  
          
        ... _I can still smell  
her blood_.... _Why did I have to be there? Why did she have to die  
right there, in front of me_.... _why couldn't I save her? Why did  
I just watch? Why did I just hold her? Why didn't I say anything to her_... _?_  
  
        He was suddenly over  
come with a feeling of nausea. He breathed deeply for a moment, regaining  
control.  
  
        He slowly sat up. He  
would keep asking himself the same questions, and he needed something  
to occupy himself before he lost his mind. He got out of bed, and turned  
on his radio, wondering what would be played at 2 in the morning.  
  
        ".. _Ti amo, Ti  
amo_.."  
  
        The moment the first  
bars were sung, Ray could feel his heart collapse.  
  
        "Shut up!"  
he cried to the radio. "Not now!" He _did not_ want to  
hear that song right now. His vision was blurred by the tears, and he  
moved the dial blindly. HE came upon a slow song he had never heard in  
his life. He walked to his couch, and fell into it, his body convulsing  
with each sob. His head hurt, his eyes hurt....his heart hurt. He couldn't  
stop crying.  
        He lay  
like that for what seemed like forever. He finally sat up, and cupped  
his head in his hands. He let out a shaky breath, and shut his eyes tightly.  
He got up a moment later, and wandered again. He wanted to talk to someone,  
tell someone how much he had loved her. Without realising it, he had  
opened a drawer, holding an assortment of junk. He peered into it.  
  
        "Hey, batteries..."  
he mused. He forced a smile, and wiped his eyes. He continued pawing  
through the drawer. Not being aware of it, he had pulled out paper, and  
a pencil. He began to write.  
  
          


  |   |   |   |   |   |   |   |   | July 6th, 1998  
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
  
  
        'I don't know where this  
letter is going, but there's no one around to talk to, and if I write  
something I don't like, I can erase it, unlike speaking. And I need  
to get this out.  
        I  
want to start of with I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you these things, but  
I never knew how. I guess now that you're gone, it doesn't matter, but  
I needed to tell someone. I loved you. I mean _really_ loved you.  
Did you know that? Did you know I wanted to spend the rest of my life  
with you? Maybe a few kids...  
        If  
I wasn't pretending to be your brother...this would have been a hell  
of a lot easier on me. Did you love me like I was your brother? Did you  
love me at all, or was I just some annoying guy that made dumb remarks  
to you? You know, the old cliché is true: If a guy likes you,  
he bugs you all the time. You're the only other person besides Stella  
I've ever bugged, you know that Franny?  
        There  
are so many things I wish I could have done with you Fran. I wished we  
could have danced, and laughed together. I wish we could have gone out,  
and acted like lovers, not siblings. I wish that I could hold you when  
you were frightened, or worried, or when you just needed holding.  
        Franny, I don't know  
if I believe in heaven, but if it exists I'm sure you're there. And I  
hope you know what I'm writing. I always seem too late. Too late to tell  
someone something...to late to help you. When you were shot Franny, I  
wanted to help...but I..I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I was scared,  
maybe I was in shock, maybe because I was too upset to do anything. Do  
you know what I was thinking when you were laying there? I was thinking  
that I had failed you. You never talked about your brother much, your  
 _real_ brother, but I'm sure he did a hell of a better job protecting  
you. I messed up Francesca, and I'm going to have to live with it for  
the rest of my life. I'm so sorry Franny. I do wish it was me who had  
been hit, and not you. You didn't deserve it.  
        I  
don't know if I'll ever show anyone this letter....I don't know what  
I'm gonna do with it when it's done. Maybe I'll give it to your brother  
when he comes back. Do you think he'll be angry at me for not taking  
care of you like I should have? Do you think he'll forgive me? I wouldn't.  
        I'm sorry Franny.  
        I'll never forget you.  
        I miss you.  
        I love you.'  
  


  |   |   |   |   |   |   | Stanley Raymond Kowalski  
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
  
  
  
  
        He lay back down on his  
bed, staring at the ceiling. He could faintly hear the radio in the other  
room. He listened to the song drifting through his apartment.  
  
        "...'Cause there  
are holes in the floor of heaven...and her tears are pouring down....  
that's how I know she's watching, wishing she could be here now. And  
sometimes when I'm lonely, I remember she can see, 'cause there are holes  
in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me...."  
  
        Ray rolled over onto  
his side, and looked out the window.  
  
        A light rain began to  
fall.  
  
        Ray smiled. "Love  
you Franny."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
        Authors Notes  
  
        Ha! I bet you thought  
it was Stella, didn't you? Well, up until the point where Ray made the  
mentions about the brother/sister thing. TYK to my brother, who may be  
an ass in a golf shirt, but he knows all the words to almost every country  
'sawng' out there(and he listens to hip-hop. Go figure). Also, to Katie  
Schrank, who I dump *all* my ideas on. Even though she doesn't appreciate  
the finer points of DS, but she finds Callum attractive, so I let her  
live.  
        This story  
is dedicated to: Everyone who has lost someone, and regrets not telling  
them something. But it's mostly for my friend Ivana Ricci, who lost her  
cousin last year and seems to trust me to listen. I always will Vaughn,  
don't worry.  


  |   |   |   |   |   |   |    
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
  |   |   |   |   |   |   |   | -A. Sametz-  
  
  
  
  
          
  
  
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